Day to Day Idiocies
by Victor Weiss
Summary: There was a problem about being the "Go to" Arrancar of the Espada, and that was being the Go-To Arrancar of the Espada. Ulquiorra learns this as he goes day to day in his duties dealing with whatever irrelavent issues are brought to him by his fellows. -Series of Oneshots loosely connected together, humor based. Rated T for Langauge and Yammy, but mostly Yammy-
1. Chapter 1

**Day to Day Idiocies**

 **Summary**

 _Ulquiorra was a patient Arrancar, dutiful and doubtless in his purpose to serve the great Lord Aizen. So when the Cuatro has to deal with the severe lack of intelligence from his fellows who share this common goal he is sorely reminded that he can't simply kill them. Sadly._

 **Chapter one  
Tea-ching Grimmjow**

If anyone asked Ulquiorra what he thought of the Sexta some hour ago, he'd had called the Panther Arrancar brash, stubborn to a fault and entirely too disrespectful when Lord Aizen wasn't around to cow his sense of ridiculous pride that should have been abandoned in the grander scale of serving his new Lord. But, Ulquiorra supposed that some "personality issues" would arise with so diverse a gathering of the ten most powerful Arrancar gathered by said Lord.

But now? Ulquiorra was sure that "completely lacking in anything resembling tact" was now among those listed qualities about the Sexta. Because frankly it was far too early in his existence to be bothered by the stained air that had been sent forth from the panther's crass lips. So surprised was he that for a rare occurance, one of which had happened only, ironically, three times before to make this number four, he was lost for words and so settled on a one.

"Pardon?"

Grmmjow only added to this ever stranger conversation by looking at the Cuatro like _he_ was the one dealing with a mental invalid. "I asked if you know what sorta' damn tea Neliel likes, dumbass." He repeated for the "sake" of Ulquiorra.

 _Dumbass. How apt._ Ulquiorra thought with a dryness that would parch the sands of Hueco Mundo itself. "I see," The same dryness, the same disinterested gaze and the very same thoughts running through the mind of the Cuatro as he considered how best he wanted to end this conversation that didn't involve robbing Lord Aizen's Espada of a number. "And why, Sexta, do you believe I know what she tea she likes?"

The Sexta, for his part, didn't even look a touch doubtful in his misguided convictions that Ulquiorra apparently had the answers he sought. "Because you're smart, and I've seen you making tea in the kitchens whenever Aizen," Grimmjow would never know how close Ulquiorra had come to punching him in the solar plexus for the disrespectful lack of "lord" there. "Asks for some. You make it, you know tea. So you gotta know somethin' about what Neliel likes."

It wasn't entirely flawed reasoning, Ulquiorra could admit that he could see how the Sexta had come to it, after all, Aizen demanded that he knowledgeable and Ulquiorra took such a duty to heart and soul that he woould read extensively on materials that hadn't even been outlined by their Lord, and thus, if Lord Aizen required something it would often his first pick to send Ulquiorra to acquire it.

The Cuatro in turn would never allow himself to admit that his apathy was briefly broken by pride.

But on the current matter he couldn't begin to try and wonder how Grimmjow assumed that because he made tea and acted as a full time butler to Lord Aizen that he would know what tastes their senior Tres had was based entiely on the simple fact that Ulquiorra had experience with tea. And apparently inherited all tea related knowledge and question.

Tea-ch support, some witty pun maker could say. Ulquiorra however would call it utter foolishness.

"Can you not ask her yourself as to her tastes, Sexta?" The pale Arrancar questioned flatly.

"And look like a stalkin' creep? Hell no!"

Ulquiorra blinked. "And going behind her back and gathering intelligence as to her favored tea flavors is not a manner of stalking?"

That shut up Grimmjow so fast Ulquiorra almost berated himself for somehow not saying something of the sort earlier. Even now he could almost hear the gears in the Sexta's head grinding to a bitter halt as the sheer logic of the situation he was hoping to avoid and in turn had happened anyway crashed into him, then left him entirely speechless in it's wake.

The silence, Ulquiorra would admit, was sublime.

"Shit." Grmmjow hissed. Ulquiorra didn't respond, not that he needed to because the blue haired Arrancar went on anyways. "Fuckin' shit."

Interesting mental image aside. "Indeed, But if it aids you," And in turn gets the panther out of his presence faster. "Go to the kitchens find the container marked "Earl Grey", beside it should be the various Teas that we have access to. It should prove a good place to start." Ulquiorra didn't bother adding that if there were multiple flavors then he might be a touch troubled, but then, with how enlightened Grimmjow's expression became, the panther was satisfied all the same.

"Right, I'll do that!" Without even a "Thank you", or parting, Grimmjow turned and rushed off towards the kitchens of Los Noches.

And once alone, Ulquorra allowed a small curl to appear at the corner of his lips as the only sign of the small bit of mirth he felt bubbling in his otherwise apathetic being. Why? Well that was simple.

He hadn't bothered to inform Grimmjow that the larger container marked "Earl Grey" was Neliel's favorite tea flavor. How did Ulquiorra know? That too was simple.

She'd threatened him with a glare when he asked how the tea tasted and if Lord Aizen would like it. Her defensiveness spoke volumes of her like for the flavor. But really...

Grimmjow need not know that this very instant.

The Cuatro turned on his heel and proceeded along the hallways of Los Noches' inner chambers uncarring even as he passed the lounge area where the Tres Espada sat, nursing a cup of her favored flavor of tea, and upon seeing him, she pulled the cup from her face where she'd been basking in it's steaming scent to offer him a polite greeting.

"Cifer."

Of all the Espada, only Lord Aizen, Neliel and Starrk bothered to address him formally with his name. Lord Aizen always received the highest respect, of course. And Starrk as the Primera, received it as well. Neliel on the other hand received it because she was simply one of the more pleasant Espada to be around.

"Oderschvank." He walked past her place on one of the many seats by the entertainment center and found his preferred one in the corner.

No further conversation taking place or being needed, Neliel went back to happily enjoying her tea and Ulquiorra sat in satisfied silence that he'd inconvenienced Grimmjow without a single hint of a lie.

Just another idiocy in his day to day life as the Cuatro, really.

* * *

 **End of chapter one!**

 _Now, this isn't some updated on a schedule story that I will post up a new chapter for every other day, this is purely to fulfill my current need to write something related to my second fav Espada, my first being Grimmjow, and this seemed a good thing to start off with. And yes, I do ship Nel and ol' Grimmy. Sue me! That said. Hope it was a fun little read for you folks._

 _Your thoughts, suggestions and such can be put into a review! Adios!_


	2. Chapter 2

**Day to Day Idiocies**

 **Chapter Two**

 **Boredom**

"Oi, Ulquiorra."

The Arrancar, Ulquiorra, pointedly took his time flipping the page of the book he was reading before replying. "Yes. Yammy?" Many often wondered how Ulquiorra could stand to be in the largest Arrancar's presence, he was by far one of the last intellectual of the ten Espada and easily infuriating whenever he got bored and needed something to do. To the point where he was certain it was only because of Yammy's Espada status that he hadn't been outright killed yet.

"I'm bored."

"I know, Yammy." Ulquiorra always knew when the large Arrancar was bored because that was the only time he was bothered by Yammy outside of meetings and assignments. So whenever Yammy approached, Ulquiorra suddenly found his muse to do something time consuming in the meanwhile.

He was not fleeing the idea of hanging out with Yammy.

"Got anythin' fun to do?" Yammy asked while he stood bside the seated Cuatro, who hadn't glanced up from his book the entire time their conversation had started. "Because today is just a major drag."

"I don't think any of my usual hobbies would be something you constitute as fun," Ulquiorra explained calmly for what was the ninth time now. "You do not like reading."

"Books are dumb."

"Nor do you appreciate observing others."

"Also very boring and kinda creepy..."

Ulquiorra ignored that quip. "And the last time you attempted to draw you broke the pencil," Page flip. "Then ate it." The dryest of observations and even then Ulquiorra could feel the words on his book beginning to fade away into the haze of "spacing out" as he tried to subconsciously be as far away from this moment as he could.

It worked for all of a nanosecond before a massive hand patted him on the back and Yammy suddenly announced. "I've got a better idea than all of those!"

"I...Highly doubt that," Ulquiorra didn't bother to hide his skeptism about that decleration, but nonetheless, he ignored the fact the tenth just touched him in favor of listening to this "great" idea that Yammy had apparently come up with. "But very well, what is this idea of yours?"

"We draw things we hate on some boring books, then set them on fire in a pile and watch them burn!" The large arrancar grinned down at the smaller one, looking like he thought he deserved every medal and then some for coming up with such a string of activities.

Ulquiorra was on the other end of the spectrum wondering how Yammy's brain matter would look across the ceiling before it faded away in death. But since that would possibly displease Lord Aizen, the Cuatro refrained from that course of action and instead looked down at his book to resume reading. "I do not believe that is a good choice of activity, Yammy." In the slightest.

"But, Ulquiorra, it combines all the things you like with stuff I'd like, it's perfect!"

Chilly emerald eyes blinked once, twice. That was Yammy's reasoning? Because it took all of Ulquiorra's own hobbies, then destroyed them, all so he and Yammy could basically enjoy the same things? Was that really what this was about? Or was there a larger game at work here? In fact, Yammy had been particularly fast on the upkeep this conversation. "Yammy, who put you up to this?"

"Wazza-What? No one, Ulquiorra! I am offended you think someone told me to suggest this to you!"

Ulquiorra neither spoke of that or anyone else in particular. And that had the cuatro peering upwards and staring at the larger Espada, who suddenly found the tile work on the floor very interesting. Ulquiorra considered the list of culprits, he doubted many of the other Espada would try this, especially using such a tool as Yammy of all things to try and "get under his skin", the first one to mind was Grimmjow, but the Panther was out on assignment, so he was free of suspicion. The next in line was Nnoitra and Szayel, and if Ulquiorra had to pick one it would be Szayel.

"It was Nnoitra, wasn't it?"

"Nnoitra who? I don't know a Nnoitra."

"...Yammy, why don't you go receive an assignment from Lord Aizen, tell him I sent you and he is sure to give you something fun to do, I have my own assignment shortly, you see." Ulquiorra explained like a patient parent to their stupidly large child. "And I'd hate to displease our Lord, so, I shall go attend to this assignment."

"Yeah!" Yammy grinned, "That sounds like an idea, I'll see you around, Ulquiorra." The giant turned and lumbered off, mumbling to himself. "And Nnoitra said I needed Ulquiorra to have fun at all times, hah!" He laughed the whole way out of the lounge.

"..." A gentle sigh filled the room as the pale Espada considered his next course of action, before nodding to himself and disappearing into Sonido, he had something to take care of.

* * *

Later that day!

Nnoitra returned to his room, pausing at the door when he smelt...Smoke? He slammed the door open and stopped and stared at the sight before him with a single, wide eye.

His bed, his spare uniforms and various objects that had been scattered around his room were all piled in the center of the room, lit on fire! He gaped at it. "Who the hell did this?!"

"Could you keep it down, Nnoitra, I am observing,"

The Mantis Arrancar almost jumped out of his skin when he turned and saw Ulquiorra just right of the doorway. "Ulquiorra..." Nnoitra hissed, fists clenching. "Did you do this?"

"Of course, after all, Yammy suggested it to me, I thought I'd see what was so enjoyable about gathering another's favorite items and burning them while watching." The pale Arrancar didn't even glance away from the burning pile. "In truth, I still don't see the appeal. Perhaps it's lost on me."

"You...You son of a-" Before Nnoitra could draw his Zanpakuto, Ulquiorra had his fingertips to his throat. A threatening gesture all the same as his own blade.

"No need for insults, after all I happened to come along in time and stop your entire room from burning, if anything, I should be thanked for my selfless efforts." Ulquiorra then looked to the taller Arrancar, eyes narrowing in warning. "For your lack of vigilance, I should report this to Lord Aizen, but as the problem has been caught and dealt with, I see no reason to bring this to our Lord." His finger tips pressed against Nnoitra's Hierro, and it bent. "Do you?"

"...What issue? I don't see an issue, shut up and lemme thank you!"

"I thought as much." Ulquiorra lowered his hand, turned and stepped out of the room. "Deal with that fire and put in an order for replacements to the items lost, I need to go finish a book."

And as he walked away, Ulquiorra felt his lips curl slightly at the corners. Satisfied in his small act of revenge.

* * *

 **End of chapter two**

 _There goes another one, this time featuing Yammy and Nnoitra!_


End file.
